


Daybreak

by bictory



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 19:13:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2823002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bictory/pseuds/bictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dawn is when Daehyun likes to be by himself and get stuck in his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daybreak

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** (...Daebreak lol) I'm not sure if I did this justice, but the idea of introspective early morning riser Dae has been in my head since I first started writing fic. More on the idea [here](http://ask.fm/bictory/answer/69051093046).

Daehyun has a lot of words. It's not hard for Daehyun to be loud and excited when he's with the others, especially Himchan, who just feeds off his energy and returns it twofold. He likes to prod the two younger ones and encourage then to speak up and laugh at Youngjae's silliness and join when the others tease Yongguk.

But Daehyun is also good at being quiet when he’s by himself. He needs it. When he gets up early in the mornings he sits up in bed and absorbs the sun's rays in silence. Sometimes he zones out watching the others take slow, deep breaths in their sleep. The members don’t get up until he gets them up and he usually savors the time alone before he starts to shake them awake.

Before moving to Seoul, he used to climb up onto the roof of his apartment building and watch the sunrise. Nowadays, with their crazy schedules, he doesn’t get many chances to, but old habits die hard and he still takes every single chance he gets.

The morning after their last concert in Korea, his body gets him up unnaturally early. It’s probably the alcohol left in his system from the post-concert celebrations. It’s still dark and he should probably go back to sleep to recover his enormous sleep debt, but hasn't seen the sunrise in too long and he's in need of one. Especially after the previous night of emotional release.

Daehyun still feels the tears lodged somewhere in the back of his throat, ready to come out unbidden. He had been on a high from performing, and Youngjae had suddenly put what he felt into words and in that moment everything had felt so surreal. He had cried because he couldn’t believe the moment he was living in. He’s not sure why he had broken down so badly, though.

There are a lot of things he thinks about as he sits up in bed. It feels like the previous night's tears point to something bigger. He’s sacrificed so many things he can’t even enumerate them, but they're nothing compared to what he has now. He’s living his dreams; B.A.P is doing well and he’s walking his life's path in a way that makes his parents proud. It makes him proud too.

But sometimes he doesn't know if this is what he's supposed to be doing. He's burnt out, sickly, and perpetually lacking sleep. His hair is falling out, his skin’s in a bad way, and lately he can’t leave the house without makeup, sunglasses, masks, and hats. He thinks no matter how much he sings he doesn’t see any improvement. He's tired.

He feels like if he doesn't hold back, he could keep crying. He needs time to think.

Blanket around his shoulders, he trudges into the kitchen to pour himself a mug of hot chamomile tea. Yongguk’s at the kitchen table, his head in his arms. Yongguk does that a lot and it’s no surprise he did it again. While he waits for the water to boil, Daehyun retrieves a blanket from the communal couch and drapes it over Yongguk.

The water boils and he pours it into his favorite mug over the tea leaves. He cups it between his hands before he goes to climb up the fire escape.

He smiles inwardly at his timing; there had been no rain overnight. He sits down in his favorite spot facing the east, absorbing as much as he can about the feel of the air and smell of the earth. He wraps the blanket more securely about him and takes a sip of tea. He doesn't know when the sun will rise, but it seems to be soon. The sky is already turning a light gray from the diffused light.

He thinks back to practices when he didn't have any idea how he would get the dances. He remembers the feelings of impossibility and how he wanted to give up. If Youngjae hadn't been so gracious and honest about needing his vocals he would have given up.

He thinks back further to Busan and how the ocean's breeze would carry all the way to his house even though he didn't live within sight of the ocean. He wants to see the ocean again.

He thinks back to the times in the noraebang when he didn't have anything but the encouragement of his close friends and parents. He’s lucky they supported him from the very beginning, no matter how many times he had been a disobedient son.

He thinks back to when he first moved to Busan in elementary school, and how he had never imagined he’d have to go through the whole process of fitting in and making friends again, but he had still ended up moving to Seoul to be a part of B.A.P.

He wants to remember what it felt like when something simple like buying snacks with his meager allowance made him the happiest.

He gets so lost in his thoughts breathing in the nostalgia in the air, that he doesn't realize when Yongguk creeps up behind him.

"Hey,” Yongguk says, his voice gravelly, even deeper than it normally is from exhaustion. He takes a seat next to Daehyun. "Wasn't asleep," he explains. He pauses, looks up into empty space, reconsidering. "Didn't sleep," he amends.

Daehyun offers his tea. Yongguk accepts gratefully, taking a long gulp before handing it back.

They don't speak for a while. They don't have to. It used to be uneasy for Daehyun, who feels a need to talk to fill the silence, but then once Yongguk had interrupted him mid-ramble and asked outright if silence was awkward and he realized it didn't have to be. Now the silence is comfortable.

"You know, I mean what I said last night, Yongguk says, breaking the silence with his labored words. "I'm really proud of you, and I'm thankful to have you on our team."

Daehyun nods, staring at his mug of tea instead of at Yongguk. He bites his lip, holding back both a smile and last night's tears that threaten to come up again.

Yongguk accepts this as an answer, squeezing Daehyun's shoulder briefly. "You belong here," he says.

It's like he had read Daehyun's mind. Yongguk's brief reassurance hits the heart of Daehyun's insecurities and Daehyun wants to somehow express that. He turns to look Yongguk in the eye.

Big mistake.

He simultaneously breaks into a wide smile and lets the floodgates of his tear ducts open. His emotions are all messed up and he thinks he's happy, but he's crying and it doesn't make sense.

Yongguk looks bewildered, but he takes it in stride, taking the mug from Daehyun's grasp before Daehyun can drip tears into it and tentatively places a hand on Daehyun's back.

"Sorry." Daehyun sniffes and wipes away snot and tears with the back of his hands. "I don't know why—"

"It's ok," Yongguk says. He pats Daehyun and with each motion it gets less stiff.

"Thanks," Daehyun says, because he doesn't have anything else to say.

 _Thanks._ That one word comes to mind to summarize his tangled feelings. He's thankful for B.A.P, thankful for the brothers he now has, thankful he gets to sing for a living, doing the only thing he's ever really wanted to do. He's thankful that he's here, that Yongguk's here, that Yongguk _wants_ him here.

Yongguk keeps rubbing soothing circles into Daehyun's back as he wipes away tears, only to have the rising sun blurred by more. He hiccups, and Yongguk hands him his cup of tea again.

"Thanks," he mumbles again, taking a drink. He takes a big shaky gulp of air and eventually his breathing evens out. He's silent as he controls his inhales and exhales and watches the sun streak the sky with blue and orange. It's breathtaking and calming and he feels the burden lifting from his chest and hard-won peace settling in its place.

The sun is all the way up by the time his breathing returns to normal. "Hyung," he says for the first time in a while. "You want to make breakfast for the others?"

A shadow of doubt darkens Yongguk's face, but it's only momentary. "Chyeah, let's do it."

Daehyun stands up and grins at the sudden show of weakness in his invincible leader. "Or I'll cook and you buy everybody iced coffees."

"Maybe that'll work out better," Yongguk says, returning one of his signature gummy smiles.

Daehyun stretches one last time and heads for the fire escape. He feels good after the cathartic cry. Actually, make that great, he thinks as Yongguk gives him one more clap on the shoulder before he descends down the ladder.

The clear sky promises a good day.


End file.
